We all want to be confident. When we see a classmate who delivers impactful presentations in the class or a friend who carries off every dress with confidence, we want to be like them. We want to be confident to strike a conversation with the guest invited for the college seminar. We want to be confident in presenting our ideas. It pains when someone who does not have the requisite knowledge compared to you but is more confident is appreciated. Is being confident so important?
Yes, it is!
As Earl Nightingale said, “Nobody wants to lead a mediocre life”.
Being confident enables you to achieve greater heights.
In this blog, we will discuss confidence:
Confidence is the ability to feel sure about yourself, your feelings, thoughts, ideas, or a situation. Confidence comes from trust. If you trust that the course of action you are taking is correct, you will feel confident.
If we know and understand the importance of confidence, then why do we lack it?
Why do we not work on developing the same?
How did we spend our life till now without being confident?
To feel confidence or any other emotion, we first need to understand the origin of these feelings. Our feelings stem from our thoughts. Thoughts are powerful. As Earl Nightingale said, ‘You become what you think about.’ Thoughts impact our feelings, our feelings impact our actions, and our actions lead to results. If we have positive thoughts, we will get positive results. If we have disempowering thoughts, we will have negative feelings. We will not feel good about ourselves. We will not feel confident. Thoughts stem from our past experiences, the nurturing we had in the family, the environment, or the society. Hence, your ability to feel confident is influenced by the feedback you received since childhood. Sometimes, a single incident which had a major impact on us can also either boost or lower our confidence.
What stops us from being confident?
Some of the common reasons for not feeling confident are:
o Lack of Self-Love: Self-love is when you value yourself as a person. You respect yourself for what you are and what you have achieved in life. You accept your qualities and your areas of improvement. You feel good about yourself. A confident person never depends on approval by anyone to feel good. If you have confidence, you will value your wins, qualities, and accomplishments. If you do not have self-love, you will be your biggest enemy. You will not need anybody else to pull you down. Even if someone appreciates you, you may not believe and accept it. You will be doing damage to yourself.
Do not mistake self-love to be selfish. Selfishness is when you do not consider the needs of others before your own. On the other hand, self-love is when you take into consideration others and your needs. You ensure that there is a healthy boundary that you do not compromise on as it is key to your well-being. If you have self-love, you are more tolerant of the mistakes you make. You avoid being harsh or too demanding of yourself.
o Perfectionism: The biggest enemy to feeling confident is perfectionism. In our desire to be perfect at what we do, we keep looking for imperfections. We focus more on our flaws than our positives. We want to look perfect, sound perfect. Under the undue pressure of being perfect, even a minor mistake gets magnified and pulls our confidence down. We become too critical of ourselves. Rather than focusing our energies on things that are working well for us, we tend to overanalyze and think about what is not working. Perfectionism causes delays.
o Procrastination: Perfectionism leads to delays which in other words is procrastination. It is a vicious cycle. You procrastinate because you are not confident. You do not gain confidence because you keep procrastinating. Our mind comes up with creative excuses to procrastinate things. The joy of delaying is more satisfying than facing the pressure of doing something out of our comfort zone.
o Fear: Fear is another roadblock in the journey of developing confidence. There are various fears that one experiences:
Fear of not doing something perfectly well.
- Fear of failure
- Fear of making mistakes
- Fear of criticism
- Fear of being laughed at
Each of the above reasons is very strong to detest. Then how do we develop confidence? How to overcome these daemons in our minds?
How to be confident?
There are various ways to develop confidence. They are inter-related. Collectively these methods produce astounding results. Begin with following one tip first. Once you succeed, it will automatically motivate you to try the others as well.
1. Be mindful of your environment: Our environment is more powerful than our intentions. You may want to do something good, but if your environment has people who constantly pull you down, then you are bound to feel low. You might doubt the possibility of your success. Hence it is necessary to surround yourself with positive people. Surround yourself with people who you aspire to be. E.g. If you want to be fluent in English speaking, you need to be part of a community where you can speak in English. If you surround yourself with people who do not know or understand the language, you will not get feedback to improve. Join groups or communities which practice the skills that you want to learn. You will not be alone. Seeing others succeed will motivate you as well to continue your journey.
2. Step out of your comfort zone: You might have heard this phrase several times. What does it mean? Stepping out of our comfort zone means, we need to consciously make an effort to attempt doing something despite not being good at it. If you fear making mistakes, you will never try new things. Confidence comes from self-awareness. Knowing what you are good at, what you are not. What can you do, to what level of proficiency can you do it? To be a confident person, you need to put aside your ego. If you are sensitive and your ego gets hurt at the slightest remark, it will be difficult for you to try new things. Give yourself a fair chance. Try out new things and break your boundaries. Feedback will only help you improve yourself. If you look at feedback as criticism, you will deprive yourself of the opportunity to correct your mistakes. E.g. If you want to learn how to make impactful presentations, you need to start delivering more presentations. You will have to be receptive to the feedback. Only then you will succeed. If you do not practice and be comfortable in your own shell, you will not progress.
3. Love yourself: Do not be so tough on yourself. Love yourself. Be in love with the imperfections. Give yourself the liberty to make mistakes. Have you seen a toddler trying to walk? How do you feel when you watch the toddler. Their wobbling feet, trying to stay steady, taking the next step without the fear of falling is what makes them lovable. It is a treat to the eye to watch them take those steps. We capture those moments on videos. Do you scold or get angry with a toddler for not walking straight? No. Then why do you become strict with yourself when you are trying something new?
When you lower the expectations or pressure of performing, you start enjoying the process. Imagine you are driving on a beautiful road. But instead of enjoying the drive, you are conscious of your driving, holding onto the steering tight, and your foot is ready to hit the break. You will miss out on enjoying the beautiful journey. Allow yourself to commit mistakes. That is how you learn. Lower your guards.
Love yourself. Do not be so harsh. If you feel good, you will do good. How do you feel when you wear a new dress or your favorite dress? It gives you good vibes. You feel good. There is a bounce in your walk, a smile on your face, and confidence in your posture. You exuberate positive energy. That is what self-love or feeling good can do to you. Work on yourself.
4. Find an accountability partner: An accountability partner is a confidant who will give you the correct feedback. An accountability partner can be your friend, classmate, family, or a member of your learning community. Your accountability partner will ensure you try new things, make a note of what you did right and what you can improve on, and give you genuine feedback. Follow the action plan you set together. Do not get defensive. Do not argue when you get feedback. Also, believe the praise they shower on you. Set a dedicated time every week to ensure you connect and monitor the progress. I have an accountability partner too. We meet weekly on Wednesdays to discuss our progress, get feedback, and set goals for the next week. Be open with your accountability partner. Express your fears, doubts, apprehensions. Discuss it out and make a plan together to overcome the same.
5. Manifest the person you want to become: Law of attraction is a powerful concept. People around the world have witnessed miracles practicing the same. The law of attraction works on our conscious and subconscious minds. Our mind stores the information which we receive frequently. If you get good feedback, your brain registers the fact that you are good. If you constantly receive negative feedback from the people around you, your brain registers it as you are not good. We need to rewire our brains. To rewrite what is not correct, you need to feed your brain with the description of who you want to be. Feed it positive things to rewire itself.
There are various ways of practicing it. You can write a detailed note of the person you want to be in your goal book. Repeat that exercise daily. Write a detailed description of who you want to be. What qualities will you possess as the new person, how will you look, dress, and talk? What you do in a day as the person you are aspiring to be. You can write the statements beginning with the word I.
E.g:
- I am a confident person.
- I am good at delivering presentations.
- I am confident in expressing my views.
- I love myself.
- I walk confidently.
- I always have a confident smile on my face.
- I have a firm handshake.
- I trust myself.
You may choose to read out the goals written in your book as affirmations. Affirmations are effective when read out aloud. It helps in rewiring your brain. It influences our thoughts, feelings, actions, and thus we get good results. Repeat the affirmations twice a day; when you wake up and before going to bed.
When I heard of these practices, even I had apprehensions about these being true. My mentor recommended the same to me. Under his guidance, when I gave it a whole-hearted attempt, I reaped the results. I urge you to do the same. Try it out for some time with a clean heart and see the magic.
Follow all or begin with any of these tips to develop your confidence.
Let me know which of the above reasons has stopped you from being confident.
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B.Jayasree
I am a Corporate Readiness Expert and an HR Consultant with over 14 years of experience. I am on a mission to help a million students to be Corporate Ready.